Jesus said to his disciples, “What
is your opinion? If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them goes
astray, will he not leave the ninety-nine in the hills and go in search
of the stray?” - Mt 18:12
I left home and the church at 19. At the time, it was an easy decision. I was young and foolish. In my teenage mind, my family was too strict. My uncle, who was like a father to me, passed away suddenly. I needed someone to blame; God was an easy target. I didn’t need anyone. I needed to prove that to myself.
I left home and the church at 19. At the time, it was an easy decision. I was young and foolish. In my teenage mind, my family was too strict. My uncle, who was like a father to me, passed away suddenly. I needed someone to blame; God was an easy target. I didn’t need anyone. I needed to prove that to myself.
It
wasn’t long before I reconnected with my family, and they welcomed me
back with open arms. The church was a different story. I was using my
anger at God to mask the anger and disappointment I had in myself. I
grew up with an image of God as a stern disciplinarian. He had a lengthy
set of rules that my imperfect self could never live up to – not even
close. I felt I wasn’t living up to His expectations of me. I wasn’t
praying enough. Church on Sunday didn’t coincide with my Sunday plans.
The list of excuses went on.
Over
the span of 8 years, I visited many different religious houses hoping
to find a home, to which there were none. I did find a common theme in
all Christian denominations – God is forgiving. That realization stopped
me in my tracks. Could it be? Could I have been wrong all this time?
Could the stern father that I grew up with be loving, forgiving, and
kind? I soon found myself on the steps of a Catholic church. I started
attending church on Sundays every once in a while. Church was two blocks
away from my apartment, and it was on the way to lunch. It was baby
steps.
Still,
I held God at arm’s length. I knew He was there, but I still didn’t
think I was worthy enough to open to Him. Luckily, He had plans for me.
He brought me home via a Caritas retreat.
The joy that I felt coming home was indescribable. In my heart of
hearts, I knew He has been searching for me all these years ready to
welcome me home.
Lord, please guide my heart home to your love.
Reflected by Katherine Tran
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ReplyDeleteSizzle .... Thx for your share Katherine. ~ J. C28
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