“More tortuous than all else is the
human heart, beyond remedy; who can understand it?” Jer. 17:9
Rarely does our heart knows exactly
what it truly desires at first pass. It often takes several iterations before
it arrives at what it had been seeking all along. Perhaps the exasperating
search never stops, and the heart is masochistically content with constantly
longing. The path of our heart is indeed meandering. According to Ignatian
spirituality, our deepest desires are a pathway to hearing God’s voice in our
lives. But what we sincerely believe to be our deepest desires at one point can
seemingly be flipped later on after more life experience and reflection. How
are we to navigate the shifting currents of our heart?
When I graduated college and left
the safe confines of parental support and my sole responsibility being my
studies, I struggled with finding my niche in the world. I eventually found
solace in my hobbies. Playing music gave me the greatest joy and up to that
point the most ecstatic moments. Similarly, I felt so much freedom during early
morning runs around the lake training for races. My hobbies in a sense offered
me glimpses of the divine. However, it soon became inadequate, and my heart
yearned for more. I began reading about and exploring religious life and found
a deep attraction for a life of contemplation and total self-giving to God in a
cloistered monastery. Over a period of several years of visiting various
monasteries around the country and being under spiritual direction, I settled
on one and took a year off to live as a monk. I believed I had found what my
heart had yearned for all these years. There were glorious moments during that
year, but even then I felt unsettled. I was confused and prayed earnestly for
God to instill into me that initial desire that brought me there. When I had
discerned that a religious life was not my calling, it became clear to me that
what I sought was a family built around a faith community.
Never would I have been able to
predict my spiritual journey, nor do I completely understand it with all of its
twists and turns even today. However looking back, a common theme emerges in
each major life decision…answering the question, “How do I love and allow
myself to be loved?” It IS our heart’s deepest desire. How we search for it and
where we find it is the fascinating, mysterious, often winding, sometimes
bumpy, and beautiful if we open our eyes to see the journey God invites us to
walk.
Lord, you know me. You understand my
thoughts from afar. I praise you because I am wonderfully made. See that I
follow not the wrong path and lead me in the path of life eternal. --Ps. 139
Reflected by Michael Jamnongjit
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