Thursday of Easter Octave: Restless Love

He said to them, “These are my words that I spoke to you while I was still with you, that everything written about me in the law of Moses and in the prophets and psalms must be fulfilled.” - Luke 24:35-48 

I have always been a skeptic. I was undoubtedly the annoying kid that asked, “Why?” about five times a minute. In one of the Sunday CCE classes before my first communion, I asked Sister Mary, “Why did Jesus have to die? Why didn’t God save Jesus?” Sister Mary responded, “It’s because God loves you. Jesus died for our sins.” I began feeling extremely guilty lying to my mom and hitting my sister the night before. I mean… Jesus died because of it! Then Good Friday came along and I rejoiced because popcorn was strewn around Jesus’ feet during the veneration of the cross. The answer no longer mattered.  

As I got older, the questions came back. The need to understand and analyze returned. I kept asking why. I knew the answers were there, but I failed to grasp it. This Lenten season has been different from the previous. I am more prayerful, perhaps because I am more troubled. The need for comfort is more pressing. I dream more, both troubled and happy dreams. In one of the happy dreams, I was a child climbing into God’s lap as he read stories from the Bible. The image was fuzzy. I don’t know what was said, but I knew it made sense.  

Today’s gospel drew an image in my mind. Jesus knew he was going to suffer. He also knew he would rise again on the third day because it was written in the Scriptures. He did this for us, to repent for our sins. The image of Christ continually dying and rising for us tugs at the heartstring, and Sister Mary’s words came back. God loves you. Often, usually when my spirits are low, I wonder if I am worthy of such love. Today, I wonder if I have read the Scriptures wrong. Maybe instead of asking if I’m worthy of such love, I will continue to pray for clarity and better understanding of His words. 

Lord, please clear my muddled mind and help me understand your words. 

Kath Tran